Funny things my husband says -

"I like to treat my dogs like they are my marines. 'You there, get your ass down there. Orderly you fucks! What do you think this is a dance party?'."

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Daughter: Dad, can I get the computer?
Husband: Yeah in a minute.
Daughter: Dad!
Husband: You've got all night.
Daughter: It's 10:45 dad. The night is almost over.
Husband: Yeah well it's not night in Australia yet so buck up little cowgirl.

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Husband to daughter in our bedroom: I'm going to bed. Out!
Daughter: But I'm talking to mom!
Husband: Yeah? And I'm undressing so unless you want the image of me naked burning your retinas get out.

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Me to husband on crying teenage daughters: What's going on? What happened!
Husband: I don't know.
Me: What do you mean you don't know?
Husband: No habla woman language. No speaka the chick talk. Maybe we can fit them with translators?

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Husband to me after finding out, to my horror, that my family has been shocking themselves with a dog shock collar:

You should try it. It hurts! We've all done it.

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On his birthday, standing in the middle of the living room while loudly proclaiming to us all:

It's my birthday. I can lecture all I want and you all have to sit there and take it. Birthday rule.