Funny things my husband says

I once had a blog called "Funny things my husband says". It was funny. He is funny. People laughed.

I think I might have to do a weekly one of those again.

But for the interim -

Husband: People about to sneeze look like they are going to puke.
Me: Not me.
H: Especially you. Totally you.

--

Me coming home from a long business trip to my chidren, my pets, my house and my husband covered in some kind of sticky foamy substance that closely resembled my expensive whipped cream: What is going on?!?
My husband, pointing a finger at his three young daughters: They started it!

--

Husband to me: You're like a hobbit sans the hairy feet.

--

Husband to me while watching football:

Jesus, look at Brett Farve. Look at that old bastard! Man he's almost as old as you.

--

Me: I have to call C.
H: Who's that?
Me: You know...my cousin.
H: Is that the one who's gayness you can see from outer space or the one that looks like an ax murderer?

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Me: Who ate all the cereal?
H, covered in frosted flake crumbs: Probably one of your kids. They hate you like that.

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Me: I'm going to get my breasts reduced.
H, horrified: You can't do that!
Me: Why not?
H: Because then where will I put my face when I want to make motorboat noises?

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H after stubbing his toe around christmas time: OWWwwwwwwWWW.
(pause)
H: OwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
(pause)
H: Aren't you going to ask me if I'm ok and kiss it better?
Me: No
(pause)
H: I'm not letting you play any reindeer games poor Rudolph.

----

H, upon hearing the children coming home from grandma's: Quick! Hide! The little people found us again!

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And one of my all time favorites while watching an episode of The Osbournes:

Husband: Ozzy is cool.
Me: Yeah, but who can understand him?
Husband: Huh. You kind of look like Ozzy.
Me: You asshole!
Husband: What? You look like the female version. What?